So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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