I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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