wrigley field is MILF paradise
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
