I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Please don't give away my fajitas
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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