Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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