I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
