too bad you live with your parents still
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
