If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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