Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
