I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
