Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
