Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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