On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
don't judge my taste in strippers
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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