Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
