just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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