We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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