Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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