I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
