Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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