I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
