I feel like abortions should bother me more
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
