Four minutes until I can fart!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
