I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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