Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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