Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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