thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
