So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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