i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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