I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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