I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?