oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours