im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.