i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
