You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sorry my hands just texted you
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
