I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
