Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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