shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
