Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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