if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
