To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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