it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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