He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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