tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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