Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
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the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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