You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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