i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
