I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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