Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
