Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
