I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
