a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
