I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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