Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
