News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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