I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
