I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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