Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
