Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
