I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
